You're my little dorito
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
