God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
