My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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