The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
