come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
