my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
