I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
