yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
