the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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