Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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