a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
