Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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