i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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