My hand turned me down
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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