i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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