There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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