I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
