Only a mothe r could love this liver
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
