I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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