i wish my penis had a tongue
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
