All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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