i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
