I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
