I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
someone threw a dead crab at me
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
