If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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