angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
