I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
