the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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