Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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