i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
