ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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