A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
