Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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