I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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