Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Randomize
