pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
