who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
