1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
