Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
