life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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