She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
