my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My life is pants optional.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
