No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
