my mouth tastes like poor choices
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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