Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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