How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
