dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
