Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
