Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
