At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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