I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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