i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
