Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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